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#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

True Rest Tuesday #0015 | About Life, Death, Obedience, Goodbyes and a New Personal Mission

I write this week’s True Rest Tuesday with mixed emotions, and this will be the last of this series at least for an indefinite time for reasons that I will get to.

This week consists of a list of thoughts, convictions, lessons, and thing learnt, journaled down here as a place of memory for the work and truth of God in my life.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

Loss and birth within our church family

This week our church family has experienced a loss of our dear sister who has been battling cancer for the last two years. She was given two months last week after being rushed to a hospital and passed away yesterday on her sister’s due date. This morning her baby niece was born, and her family shared with us this verse:

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5 ESV)

As a church family, we knew and trusted that God was able to heal her fully, and we all prayed for a miracle. Sunday night the Holy Spirit urged me to pray, and I asked the Lord that my dear sister would not suffer anymore. In God’s infinite mercy and grace, she took our sister back home to be with Him and answered our prayers. She is now fully healed; she is no longer suffering.

As we prayed last night at our ladies ministry gathering, I felt God impress the truth on me that He is the God of the living, and not of the dead. I felt God’s Holy Spirit tell me that our beloved sister is alive; she is in a place where Satan is defeated, where sin is no more and death is defeated. She is in a place where there is only life and joy in the presence of God’s holiness and love. I felt the Spirit impress upon me that our beloved sister is fully alive, more alive than the rest of us here.

I praise God for the work of the cross. I thank you, Jesus, that you lived a perfect life that we ought to have lived, and that you died a death that we deserved to die. I thank you, Jesus, that through the power of the Holy Spirit you rose again on the third day to show that you have defeated Satan, sin and death. I thank you that you saved our sister, that she glorified you these last two years in unwavering faith and trust in you, and she finally has You, Jesus, as her prize. God, I thank you so much that you chose her to be your own and you have redeemed her and that she is safe now with you.

I’m amazed at God’s timing, that in the wake our sister leaving us, that you have timed for new life to be born. I am amazed that God continues to shower His love over that family and we are amazed by the strength that they have in God and how they are glorifying Him right now.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

When the world keeps turning

Even in the hope of where our sister is now, the sting of death still has its power and presence in our life with Christ. In the sting of learning of her passing, at that moment where you felt the whole earth should stop and mourn, it did not. The trees did not falter to bring forth its flowers; the sun did not stand still. The endless streams of superficial thoughts and Facebook posts, frivolous photos and trivial tweets did not cease to flow.

The book of Ecclesiastes came to mind in all of this – I just can’t pinpoint a verse. A sense of the temporariness of life, the continuation of cycles, the forgetfulness of man.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

How I have grieved the Holy Spirit

I came to place of conversation with a friend whose life is adorned with the fingerprints of Christ. And in that conversation, the Spirit used it to show me that He is fully able to show you what you should and shouldn’t do, and reminded me of those times when I have willingly disobeyed the Spirit and grieved Him.

When I wanted a dog, I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me “no”, but I silenced His voice and closed my ears to Him and bought her anyway. I see how I have done this with so many things.

I remember one specific time I wanted to buy some VSCO film emulations. I could sense the Spirit telling me, “No”, but I hushed Him and proceeded to enter my credit card details into the fields. My credit card failed, and I could sense the Spirit saying, “no”, again and moved money over to my credit card in stubbornness and willing disobedience. When my purchase went through, and I went to download the film pack, I realised I purchased the wrong one, and moved more money over and bought the right one.

And then I lamented for a short while over how much money I just spent because of my sheer willingness to have something, and wondered whether I would get a refund for my purchase.

God’s grace, even when I disobey

VSCO do not offer refunds for their purchases. I panicked – they’re not cheap after all. Somehow, when I contacted the company they were gracious with me to give me a yellow card and one time only refund. In my guilt I thanked God. Even with my dog Talitha, I sometimes feel the strain that I went against God’s desire for me, she is a lot of responsibility after all and takes up a lot of my time and energy. Even still, God has been very merciful, overly gracious to give me a wonderful dog with a wonderful nature. She’s low energy overall, and great company, healthy and a comfort to me.

God’s “blessing” is not always proof that you have obeyed Him

I’m not advocating that it’s okay to disobey and grieve the Spirit of God. God in His mercy shows me grace and mercy in spite of my disobedience. Just because you feel blessed in the wake of a decision does not mean that you were obeying and doing God’s desire for you.

However, I will testify that in those moments where I had willingly disobeyed God, it did not go without an incredible sense of guilt and condemnation. I felt shame in doing so and so avoided talking to God as a result of my rebellion against His prompting.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

Why I’m ending this series indefinitely

I’ve sensed the Holy Spirit ask me to stop blogging for the purposes that I am currently doing. In this I retorted with a, “why, I love it, you’ve given me skills for it, it’s starting to grow now!”

However, I feel that my commitment to writing the True Rest Tuesday series to be trying on my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I feel that I’m sneaking off to write, that I’m more committed to writing and seeking God only for the purpose of writing. I see it even how my posts have weakened. I know it’s God who grows things, and so I trust Him with my blog, and I trust Him with my life and relationships and everything else. So for whatever reason, it will be for the better.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

A summary of everything God has done through this series

I thank God for all He’s shown me through this series, I may pick it up again one day with His prompting, but until then and until I have peace, I will discontinue writing this series. I am amazed by what God has shown me through it, and how He has used it to work out a great mass of sin in me; right now I have never felt so free.

I believe God is calling me to seek Him more through prayer and I will be glad to share that with you if and when He does.

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

A new personal mission

In light of where I feel God is guiding me, He has impressed me a new desire to make a personal mission to live by and be remembered by. I want to be a woman whose life is remarkably decorated with the work of Jesus. I want my life to be about His story in me; to be able to carry a song in my heart of what He is doing in my life. I desire His life to be manifested in me; I want those who don’t know Him to know and remember me as someone who leans her full weight on trust on Jesus.

Do you have a personal mission? What’s been going in your week? Have you ever ended something you didn’t want to in obedience to God?

#0015 This Pilgrim's Progress| lorraineyeung

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  • HeartsHomeward

    This was so moving and inspiring. More women need to be brave like you are being, Lorraine. You are telling the truth. You aren’t coating things to make it all look good. You share where you are, where you have fallen short and how God is the lover of your soul because of His love for you, not your perfect performance. This is such goodness. Even moreso is the heart behind the post – the heart which grieves with those who grieve and rejoices with those who rejoice and who obviously loves those in her church and life. WHat a gift. Most of all, I am so touched by your faithful heeding of the hard call to let go of something flourishing, something you love, and let God have His way. Oh, this will profit you soooo much! Can’t wait to witness what He does with your leap of obedient, risk-it-all faith!

    • Thanks so much Patty for stopping by and for such thoughtful words, and I’m very glad that my story right now can inspire you. I trust that your heart also yearns and endeavours to be brave, bold and honest too with where you’re at, and so I look forward to reading about that over at Hearts Homeward. :)

      God grace is incredible, and I’ve been super amazed by how clear He can make Himself through His Spirit and would love to live a life in closer companionship and sensitivity to him.

      Thank you soooo much for your encouragement – and hope to update you later with what He’s showing me through this season.

  • Lorraine, Hi! I am so glad that I found your blog…and read this! So beautiful!

    Thanks for all your insight- and awesome for obedience to the Lord FIRST and foremost!

    I absolutely love this line “I want to be a women whose life is remarkably decorated with the work of Jesus”

    Thank you for sharing your heart, and I am SO glad that we have connected!

    • Amy!
      Thank you sweet lady! As am I glad for finding your blog!! :)

      Gosh… my obedience has only come after a record of failure… but God is a gentleman and patient in spite of me. I’m learning… :/
      Glad we connected too. Hope to see more of you, and hope to be popping by to Lovely Does It again very soon :D

  • Heather Faria

    Lorraine, it is so wonderful that you are listening to how the Spirit is leading you and that you are willing to obey! I really appreciate you pointing out that just because it seems that we are being blessed, it does not mean it is because we are obeying God! I think it’s so easy to misinterpret this when we are seeking our own desires! I was also so blessed by the story of your friend and how God brought for life to their family during a time of death. Don’t we serve such a beautiful God? I love how He always provides. : )

    • Heather,
      I’m super glad you were encouraged by this, there are so many more details that happened in her last few days, which would be insensitive for me to share, but are incredibly gracious and our Father. My sister and friend who is with Jesus now glorified God in such unsuspecting and tender ways in her last few months.

      Unfortunately my obedience comes only out of a succession of rebellion and failure. It just shows me how much I am at the mercy of Christ who really is my only righteousness, as all of us are eh?

      I’m super glad WE sever a beautiful God TOGETHER :)

  • Lorraine, this is by far my most favorite True Rest Tuesday post. I agree with you on all of your points. While I’ve really enjoyed your posts, sometimes they can be for a season. I admire how willing you are to let it go. As bloggers, we want our work to be read but God always rewards those who are obedient in ways that are a blessing to us and to others. So may you be richly rewarded as you keep your focus on Christ and your heart comforted as you mourn the loss of your sister in Christ.

    • Hi Olivia!

      I’m really touched by your thoughts and really appreciate your comments on this post especially. I really truly thank you for following along on this series, I can’t tell you how much it’s encouraged me through the last couple of weeks of just struggling.

      I know that I have arrived at a point in this series where I only sought God so that I could write something here, and it was so wrong and so soul crushing.

      Thank you for you words. Will catch you around again sweet sister!

  • Love your willingness to listen Lorraine, even when it goes against what you want.

    • Thanks for your words, not always easy – still struggling against it all.